I could explain this to a million people and they would never understand. It is impossible to unless you have experienced it. I know that I am a woman that I would never have dared dream of 2 years ago. I am a woman whom I considered living in another Universe for the past 25 years of my life. To say my life has turned into a huge surprise does not do it justice. Often I take for granted who I have become but there are times when it hits me square in the head. Where I have to sit back and say, “Holy Shit!” I have said this many times…”I may have not yet reached where I want to be but I sure as hell am not where I was and that is all that matters.”
Here is my example:
As you know I was working this week. I have tried to remember my experiences so I can do another “customer service” post. I have spent quite a few months working there over the past year. I am pretty much like a bad cold…I keep coming back. Of course everyone knows me. I am not exactly the type of person who quietly sits in the corner. I may be called many things but quiet is for sure not one of them. However for each lottery new people are hired as temps who are solely dedicated to the lottery. It is a call center so the people that are actual employees there have hundreds of accounts they answer phones for. As much as I enjoy what I do I had decided not to accept a full time job there. You are constantly having people tell you everything wrong you do. And god forbid if you make a mistake. And you are not allowed to be any more than 2 mins late returning from a break. And I am sorry but I can only be Betty Boop for so many hours. Now it is impossible because I have too much professionally going on but it really was not something I felt was right for me to do. It was the right decision.
I regress. Back to my story. So there are new people working there that I do not know. On the few times that I am not busy I will have a friendly chat with whomever is next to me. Stranger or not is irrelevant. I don’t exactly ask for a resume beforehand so I never know what I am going to get. On the plus side I have made some excellent friends. On this particular day it was slow and I made a wise crack (surprising I know) to the guy next to me. He was much younger but I was not asking for a date. Whatever I said he just looked at me. Not a smile. Not a word. Nothing. Oh…personalty plus! Here is where the miracle happens.
In the past I would have been devastated. Panicked. Someone who did not like me. This was a pure tragedy for me. Stab me, shoot me but do not dislike me! So many times people would say not to take it personally because it was just the way they were. I could not accept that. I took it very personally. There was only one reason someone would not like me and that was because there was something wrong with me. All I had to figure out was how to act and be so their opinion would change and they would like me. Exhausting to say the least.
I would put all my energy into being a people pleaser. I was the definition. Nothing would cause me more stress than someone not accepting me. I would have to change. Do whatever was necessary to make them change their minds. I would be consumed by it. It would be all I would think about. I would go over and over in my head what I said wrong. How I could have said it better.
During my low years I faced a great deal of rejection and judgement. It became too much for me to handle so I became a prisoner in my home. I did not want to be around people because no one was going to accept me. At the times I blamed it all on everyone else but the fact remained that it was impossible for me to handle the rejection even though I was on the other side of the sanity planet. As far back as I can remember this has been the way I have lived. In school I would join in and laugh with the others when they made fun of my complete lack of comprehension to the foreign language of chemistry. No different than being thrown into an advanced Japanese class. I did not care who laughed at me, as long as they were liking me. Any sacrifice was worth the acceptance.
For 53 years I have never stood strong (bet you did not know I was that old!). I flip flopped depending on who the person I was trying to please wanted. I could have won an Oscar for my performances. Sometimes I needed to be someone I was not even sure I liked. That made no difference. I was doing what was necessary. Who I was was a mystery to even me. What did I stand for? No clue. It depended on what the other people thought. That would become my opinion. I would not have disagreed with a person if my life depended on it. Sacrilegious! Who I was, simply was not good enough.
I have theories on how I ended up feeling so insecure. It sure was not something I learned from my Father and The honest fact is that he was the one who raised me. Man he did not give a shit what others thought and he would be quick to share that fact with anyone. Also he praised me all the time. He was fierce picking on me but it was always done in fun and I just learned to laugh at myself. He thought I was the most special person in the world. He told me I was going to lead all the jews out of Sydney, NS. I suppose you have to know the bible to catch that one.
Maybe you are now wondering what exactly the miracle was? I am loud and will fill a room. I have my Phd in sarcasm. You can be guaranteed that I have something to say it is going to make people laugh. That comes from my Father and my two sons are exactly the same. I am filled with compassion and will talk and listen to anyone. I genuinely care about people. I am trustworthy and loyal. I can also be a royal pain in the ass. I can get a written statement witnessed by a lawyer affirming this from my hubby (just leave a message with any requests). I have survived a lot of crap in my life and I think I have earned the right to be whoever in the hell I want to be. I would like to take a survey on how many others would end up where I am after what I have been through. I have earned nothing but respect. Give me the credit I deserve. We all damn well deserve it!
So the guy who was being a jerk just went back to his book. Here it comes…. My thoughts blazed a trail through my mind. They were travelling down a path that had been all but deserted. With them came a feeling that leaves me at a loss to describe. A peace. A joy. A relief. I hope someone else acts like an asshole just so I can get such a great feeling again. Now these thoughts were not just blank words of me trying to convince myself of something. These were words that I felt down in my soul. A feeling I had never experience in my life yet here I was sitting in a cubicle at a call center when my whole being changed. When I realized how far I had come. What were those words that have given me new life? “I do not give a fuck what you think!” This is who I am guys and if you have some opinion that puts me in your dislike list you can stick that list……
Man that felt good!