Rehearsal on Steroids

On a personal note I am doing much better. I am still working on and trying different things with nutrition to help me out. I think I am going to be ok now to work full time but you will know a pooped writer!

Every important conversation I have ever had. Every talk I have ever had. Every problem I have ever discussed with anyone. They have all been rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. As you know I have to rest during the day. This is the best time for my mind to decide to kick into high gear (no wonder I sleep I wear myself out first). If I have a conversation coming up…I can be guaranteed my time is going to be spent going over and over that conversation.

Dad used to say, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” Same deal. If I have already determined what I am going to say then why do I have to practice my discussion so many times? Ask my brain. Maybe it will give you an answer. And it is not something that happens occasionally. No any time there is not something to occupy my mind and it is left on its own…it goes down that same path.

I mean I may make a few little changes, but the words do not vary by much. I am so relived when the discussion is over so I can find something else to think about! Now here is the kicker…no one else reads the damn script! Never ever has the conversation gone the way I planned it in my head. I always end up going by the seat of my pants. I had it so well planned out. All that time I wasted doing the pre-planning. All for nothing! The worst part is I never learn! I do the same darn thing all over again the next time.

What I never realized was the effect this had on my writing. Writing is all about pre-planning. Developing the story. The characters. Your brain has a huge take ahead of it. Again with the “during my rest time.”. This is why a lot of the time I lay down for 30 mins and when my brain does not shut down I give up and get up. My brain would be left too determine the next route. Guaranteed it would find its way to my book. I missed so much quality nap time because my brain was going over what I would write.

The term used is “obsessive thinking.” If I had nothing going on to obsess about…it would be the book. I think this is why I kept re-writing. I would think of something different or something better. I know I am not the only writer who gets a bit obsessive with their writing. But when it interferes with your ability to think about things that need to be addressed…it can be a problem. Every time. Each and every time. And if there was a part of the book that I was working on it would be nothing for me to lay there for a few hours going over the same thing.

I would mostly end up using something in my first 5 methods but I would not be happy until I had 150 ways to write something. I would escalate to plain horrible writing once I had worn out all the good stuff. No matter. If I had no more ideas I could always just think about the same thing each time. I have tried to shut it off. I do not think that is a battle I will ever win. Sometimes my mind just has the upper hand. I do not get a vote in the matter.

My obsessive thinking always seems to revolve around communication. How I will say something. How I will write something. Some days I can feel exhausted but it only seems to be my body that pays attention. My brain has no intention of resting. It is in full throttle. No matter how I feel, I never know what to expect if I decide to go lay down. I can say in honesty that the times I doze off are fewer than the times that I am rehearsing for my Shakespearean performance.

Things are a little different now. I have completed the book. It is difficult to explain how hard it was to call an end to consistent changes. My mind had to let it go. That took a few months just to get that done. I also have no speeches coming up. I have nothing to practice! Well this is a good a time as any to bring up every mistake I have made in the last 40 years!  Why can I not think of stupid stuff.  It is difficult to do that daydreaming thing because I am always looking for the bad. The mistake.

I will say this…I have gotten in some quality napping lately. My brain never goes into neutral. It is either running at lightening speed or I am asleep. I think that is why sleep can be so difficult for those that are in the same shoes as me. We just do not have an “off” switch. One of these days something good is going to happen and I am going to replay that over and over again. I will just let my mind wander to a place of bliss…where I get o meet Sam Elliot!

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