My personal update: doing pretty good. There is a definite improvement. Timing could not be better because I was just notified that I have a contract job starting Monday which will last till the end of Nov. It is full time so I really do need to stay awake. I would hate to be fired from a job cause I was asleep under the desk!
Speaking of getting this job and the timing…I would be amiss in discussing my struggles and victories without mentioning my faith. I have had a rough ride being a Christian and having a mental illness. When I was in psychosis my delusions were a result of hyperreligiosity. Yes there is a word for it. I was actually high on God. Now you would think that was a good thing. NOT! I had this messed up idea about God and the role He played in my life. I justified the things I did with my certainty that it was under God’s direction. You would be amazed at the stuff I managed to justify!
Those days are gone and now I have what I refer to as a healthy relationship with God. But I can say with all my heart and soul that I cannot imagine getting through all I do if not for having Him. I know I have come across people that think you cannot be a true Christian and have a mental illness. All you have to do is believe and it will disappear. Well then I guess all the Christians with cancer are not true Christians because they should just be able to pray their disease away. No difference!
I don’t understand some of us have to live a life with so much suffering. Then again I do not have the answers as to why a child will die from some horrid disease. I don’t expect that one morning I can going to wake up and be “all better.” Hey if God decides he needs someone to throw a miracle at, I will be happy to offer my services. But this is who I am and there is only so much that is in my control to change. So what good does God do me if I still battle through all this shit?
I STILL BATTLE! I have survived years of a life that can truly be classified as a nightmare. I have managed to survive a few suicide attempts. The last one almost worked. They brought me to emergency and the minute the doors closed behind me I went into cardiac arrest. Obviously I made it. I have destroyed my family. Put my kids through as unhealthy a childhood as most serial killer’s. Yet my husband and I are still married after 23 years. And I have a wonderful relationship with both my boys and am very proud of what they have done with their lives. This is what good it has done me.
I think the greatest lesson I have learned about my relationship with God is the many many benefits of trusting Him. It is so easy for people to say, “Oh yes I have complete trust in God!” Yet they spend all their time worrying and fretting. That is not trust. It does not mean I can just trust away my anxiety. I wish I was that good. But no matter how scared or panicked I am I still know I will get through it. I can in such a panic I feel like I am going to die. But somewhere in my heart I know I will not and that can bring some calmness. Once I have passed the “flipping out” phase.
My depression has not gone away either. That has however taken a turn for the better…if you can use the word “better” in reference to depression. I do not lose hope. I know I will get through it. I know one day I am going to wake up and it will be better. I always felt something inside of me die during my really depressive episodes. That I do not get anymore. I trust that no matter what He will give me the strength to get through. I will survive. All I can do is trust that He will always give me that.
There are so many other things I could bring up in reference to mental illness and faith. I think the biggest debate is in regards to suicide. But that is a whole new topic. All I know for sure is what my faith does in my life. Yes I talk about the CBT oil and how that has reduced my anxiety. But don’t think that my faith has not had a huge impact on that as well. If I can catch myself in the early stages, I can often talk to myself and remind myself about the trust thing and it can stop the attack.
I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have been blessed externally, even when all hope should have been lost. I think the biggest thing in my life over the past few years though has been my book. Never on my own could I have hung in through so many years and so many re-writes! I would have given up. I do not know why but I know that God has pushed me all along…or carried me. I always have a sense of wonderment as to what He will do next.
One thing I am certain of with God. He has a sense of humor! Some of the stuff I have done or that has happened to me proves He must have. I am also sure I am a source of extreme entertainment for Him. Sometimes I swear He is saying…”watch this”…hehe. There is a saying that I love that kind of sums up God and I.
“You never now God is all you need until He is all you have.”