Again I apologize. I am hoping that after you read this post you can either understand or possibly even relate. I have been classified as being “in recovery” for over 1 year. When I was in a state of deep depression, I did not have enough energy to even shower most of the time. I would go thirsty rather than make myself get up and go to the kitchen to get a drink. Depression always drains a person of any energy. It is the depression that causes the exhaustion
So I have conquered heavy darkness but I cannot seem to be set free from it. I can smile. A real smile. I can laugh. A real laugh. But what lingers is the exhaustion. I have researched under every search topic I can think of trying to find a reason for my total lack of energy. I do not mean felling a little drained. I am talking sitting at my desk and having to use all my concentration and energy just to keep my eyes open. No matter how much I sleep or how little I sleep…it is always the same. No matter what time of the day it is, the number one thing on my mind is having the chance to take a nap.
It can be as debilitating as the depression some times. Always having to push no matter how small the task. On the days I work there is nothing more I can do. I work and sleep. Although I am much higher functioning I wonder if this is as good as it gets. The idea that I am never going to be any better than what I feel like right now. I already have all my mental day to day challenges…now I must fight physically. I was feeling hopeless. This time it is different…the exhaustion causes the depression!
Then about 1 week ago I was reading on a bpd site and I came across this article. The lady explained how she had been feeling and what was going on in her life and I could have been reading my memoir. EXACTLY the same! Even all the things she had tried in order to fix her problem. Of course my doctor has checked everything with my blood. I force myself to at least walk the dog. I started special protein meal replacement drinks in case I was missing nutrients. Every natural “promise to give you increased energy’ product. And she was left the same…no change.
What really surprised me was there is actually a name for this. “Chronic Depression Fatigue.” Who knew? I cannot explain exactly why bit I somehow felt better. Other people have the same problem even when they have been in remission of their depression for a few years. I was not alone! I was not crazy! I was not lazy! Knowing that others are going through the same difficulty can make a huge difference. I did not have any solutions yet. But what I did have was an answer as to what is going on with me. What a relief!
So armed with all my new information, I went to see my psychiatrist today. She was quick to agree. It fit. Great we both agreed on the problem but any chance I was going to get a solution? Well there was a student with her and I was asked to wait in the waiting room while they had a discussion. She did have an idea! Different antidepressants act if different ways and affect different areas of your brain. Not each case of depression will be treated with the same medication. There are some antidepressants that are like a little charge…a boost which is different than the type I am already on.
We decided that we would reduce the one antidepressant I was already on and add in more of a stimulant one. There is hope! I do not dare get too excited because we do not know if it will work. But at least I have something else to try. My family doctor has already tried a stimulant and it worked well for a week then I may as well have been eating tic tacs. But this is a different type of stimulant. We had already decreased one of my medications in case that was causing the tiredness. No luck.
So I start Friday on my new medications. I do not expect much right away, especially where I am reducing one of my other meds. But hopefully I will start to see some improvement. I would be happy with any improvement. I can’t believe I am saying this but I almost wish for a little hypomania. That thought goes away pretty quickly when I think back on all the shit that happened when I was manic (sorry you will have to buy my book when it is published to get the full story HA HA)
I will keep posting about my progress (hopefully there is some to report). I have to admit though I do have some hope. From the research I have done this has worked for others. Something similar anyways. We will have to wait and see. That old saying “Only time will tell.” I know I said I would post…so I will. I may be chronically tired but I am not a schmuck. That was supposed to be funny but I think it lost something from my head to my mouth. So till next time…I got the prayer thing just a cookin’