First let me tell you my latest adventure. At approx 3:00 this morning I crawled out of bed to come downstairs and get a drink. Well I slipped on the top stairs. Down 10 stairs I went on my butt! I am writing now half way laying down cause my tailbone feels like someone took a hammer to it. The worst is me arse is still in shock but tomorrow it is going to realize what I did to it, get pissed, change colors and hurt even worse. It may be a day or two before I can sit upright but I think I learned to take a drink to bed with me.
You may have read where I have posted before about lack of energy. Well somethings are starting to click. We have lived here for 4 years and I have hated this place every minute of it. We cannot have anyone over cause we are so jammed in you cannot fit 4 comfortably in my living room. I also spent 3 years very ill and the last 6 months I could neither walk nor see much. Good sleep hygiene says only sleep at night in your bed but mine was my solace.
During that time I still worked at home but spent everyday alone, with no contact. Then I started getting contract work outside the home and I did a 360 turn about. I work at the rehabilitation center now and I do 12 hr shifts 7:30 AM – 7:30 PM or vice versa and I do great! I feel good, I have plenty of energy and I enjoy my work. Oh and I get my share of interaction there. I felt like I was coming alive again.
But when I am home…if I have to pee I hold it till the last minute because it requires so much energy to go up the stairs to the washroom. Even writing, which is my passion, suffers because I can spend 2 hours just trying to motivate myself to start. I am not one that is really into this stuff but I am seriously beginning to believe there is this negative energy in the house. So much bad has happened here I find it difficult to make it a place to feel good.
There is no getting around the fact that we are affected by our environment and the circumstances in our lives. I think my attitude towards my surroundings has turned sour. You might think it has a lot to do with being alone all day but things do not change that much even when my husband is home. But get me outside the house and I am good. Now this place was built in the sixties so for all I know I could be rotting in mold.
All I know is my home is no longer a place where I relax, let my guard down and feel comfort. It is not my safe zone. I know as long as I am home I am gonna feel crappy. And it is not like I have not had the mind debate about being so silly. Over the years I have earned my Phd in talking to myself. But I never give up trying. I wake up, say my morning prayer and then come downstairs with a positive attitude. Some days it does work but more often not.
Then throw in some dark, crappy weather and oh ya I am set to Party! I have bought new furniture, moved it around and put brighter colors (my kitchen table is yellow and purple but looks wonderful) and still everything stays the same. One thing I do blame is that we have small windows so it is not very bright in here. I believe people who suffer from depression NEED light!
We are planning on moving in the near future and trust me nothing will make me happier. I am also anxious to see if there is a difference in me. One thing I know for sure is that the priority in looking for a place for me is that there has to be lots of windows. I am fine during the evenings and it is dark, that is normal. But dark during the day just is not a good thing. I have every light in the house turned on.
So we will see what happens when the time comes. I know a home is wherever you are. But when you spend so much time at home, it should be a place you feel good about. Our lives are most often in some sort of chaos and we need a place where we can let go of that and find some relief. Even if it is just in your bedroom closet. I do not feel “home.” I feel like I am staying in a place until I find my home. Then again you never know, maybe I am.