The Theory of Junebugs

I have my own belief on the origin of junebugs. When God created the earth he even put beauty and wonder in the insects (spiders are not included but they do have a purpose). Some are absolutely amazing how they form and develop. And where is there more beauty than in the butterfly. They each have their individual purpose on the earth. Like they are connected with a wisp to make perfection in the world. So after their creation the devil got really pissed and wanted in on these creations. He wanted something that could spread his evil across the land. Hence, the junebug!

Now sometimes I can be quite subtle. In case you missed my point…I HATE junebugs! For the average person the word “hate” is used very casually. It means a strong dislike. But when they say they hate something, they might get a cold chill but usually very little heated emotion is involved. Not so with me. I can use the word “hate” and turn into a pissed off demon (I am not going to cover anger…that is for another post). When others get angry with someone they love…even rip roaring mad they never stop loving the person. It is not like you can just turn off love. Wanna bet?

Ask my husband. I love him with every breath I take, always. Except…

I can get so angry that I honestly forget loving him. I cannot remember what it feels like or any of the reasons that I do love him. Understand that I have NEVER said the words to him but I can look at him with nothing but hate in my heart. That on/off switch. 23 years of living on the world’s most dangerous roller coaster together and I look at the same man with total darkness. I may not say the words but it is pretty difficult to miss between the look in my eyes and my actions.

I have enough self-control to walk away. I have to. Then the little part of my brain that maintains rational thought tries to go to work. Trying to find reason. To regain control. It eats inside my body and mind like a parasite. I ask myself why…how can I feel this way? I have yet to get an answer. Once the vile emotion starts to subside and my brain regains composure, then the guilt comes. What kind of person am I that I could hate a man whom I love and who loves me unconditionally, desperately?

There are things I do and feel that I have no control over…quite simply. I have yet to find a cure for such a venomous feeling except time and distance. Also, he has learned to avoid me. He knows it will pass. The guilt afterwards caused more self-harm than the actual feeling of hatred. I can’t do that anymore. I have bipolar disorder (this does not excuse anyone from being an asshole). As long as I am breathing I am going to do things I regret. Yes I feel horrible afterwards. I am always ready to apologize. But I do not let guilt have a feast on me.

The bible talks so much about forgiving others. That is not so difficult for me. Forgiving myself is an entirely different matter. It has taken me years. I despise my personal on/off switch. But I cannot control it. I do my best to take action so it causes less destruction. But I cannot stop it from happening. I am extremely fortunate in that I have a very understanding and patient husband. He would have to be to have hung in for those 23 years. My hate will dissipate and love will again capture my heart. If there is a trick on how to make this stop I sure do not know it. What I do know is I always…always just do the best I can.

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