I Think My Wing Is Broken

I have tried every sort of drink and supplement trying to give myself more energy. I think my energy storage area was made way too tiny cause nothing I have tried has helped. I know my energy level is better on my good days of course. But I still always seem to be dragging myself. It was getting so bad I could have lost my temp job because during the slow times when the phones were quiet I was falling asleep at my desk. I was afraid I was going to lose my job. It got to a point where it was not just feeling tired but if I sat for a period of time I would fall asleep.

I did a lot of research (because nothing was working) and I believe it is CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome). If I was at home writing, I would get up at 9:00 AM and be back in bed by 11:00 AM. And that was even happening on good, bright and sunny days. I just could not stay awake. My entire life was being affected. It could take a good day and turn it around because I would get so discouraged by feeling so tired. Frustrating as hell. It is bad enough when the depression hits and knocks me down. But to be stuck in bed on a day when I felt good…it was just getting to be too much.

When I was researching I also found some medications that are frequently used. Now there was some hope but some hesitation as well. Any type of medication that is designed to keep you awake is a stimulant. I know from past experience and being on oxy for pain, that a stimulant can be potentially very dangerous for a person with bipolar disorder. There is always the risk that it can trigger mania. I was manic for years because the medication was enhancing it. As bad as I felt I wondered if it was worth the risk.

The difference between then and now is that I can recognize when hypomania is rolling into action. Back then I thought I was normal (I am sure what I would have called normal had nothing to do with an actual definition). I decided to give it a try and if I felt in any way that my hypomania was being triggered I would stop it immediately! I know some people find that state enjoyable but I have proven that mine can be very dangerous if mania kicks in. With me it is very easy to recognize. So here I am a few weeks on the drug and so far I am doing good. In the beginning there were some anger issues but I held out to see if that would pass and it seems to have. However, if that starts popping in again the pills will have to go.

It is amazing that I can stay awake during the day. I still have to rest during the day…mostly just to recharge my body but I do not knock right out. A little rest and I am good to go. I just have to keep an eye on it. But I have learned the amazement of what a person can accomplish in a day when half of it is not spent in bed!

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