You know people hear that you should meditate and I think ya right with my brain! But when you come right down to it meditation is being able to focus on one thing for a period of time. Well when I start thinking about how I can obsess over the same thing in my brain for hours…I could be a monk! I was working the back shift at a rehabilitation center. I work as a sitter casually where I have one client and I have to have eyes on him at all times. Well I was doing a 4 night run which is 7:30 PM to 7:30 AM. I can spend 12 hrs sitting on a hard wooden chair outside his door. So the staff decided that after the clients went to bed I could get a comfy chair from the sitting room. All was great
Then the last evening I asked for the guy to get my chair and there was a bit of an issue. Of course they are unionized and if he was to hurt his back they would not pay because it is not part of his job. Well he is not the friendliest guy to begin with and his attitude pissed me off. Then I added to the situation by deciding that the nurse in charge was probably pissed too…so I got pissed at her! I sat in my chair for over 2 hrs stewing and stewing. I was going to write an email to the temp agency saying I would not work a shift with them again and on…and on…and on…and on. The same damn things rolling over and over. Finally I got up…went to the desk and apologized for causing a problem. There was no problem! Great idea to get the comfy chair but if I would not mind dragging it over myself. Excuse my language but “For Fuck Sakes!” I had wasted all that time and energy and got myself all worked up over NOTHING!
I think my obsessive thinking causes me more harm than anything! It can be something I want to say to someone…I have to go over that in my brain a million times. Then even worse…something I have already done or said! The fact that there is not a darn thing I can do about the past I somehow justify in my mind that it is a good idea to replay it over and over. I have found that there really is no cure for this menace but the one thing that works for me is distraction. And it has to be something that requires the use of my brain. Once I break the cycle I can go back to being ok. It is almost like my mind is enjoying the torture and does not want me to do anything to make it stop. To Bad! It may take all the energy I have but I force myself to break the cycle. Obsessive thinking must be part of a definition for insanity because it sure feels like it.
I cannot complain too much because I am a thousand times better than I used to be. Now it hits me occasionally whereas previously I would lose days. Sometimes I just grab the dog and go for a 10 min walk. It is enough to break the cycle. I’ll go sort out my closet if I have to. Funny how I always manage to avoid doing the dishes as a coping mechanism. It is so easy to get caught up! I always try to fight to regain control when I lose it. I am not always successful…but I sure never give up trying!