It is difficult to describe when you wake up and within that first few seconds of grasping with the reality of your surroundings you realize…I am ok today. Some days by the time you get to brush your teeth you realize you are pretty great. I have been sick the past few days and sometimes that carries some depression with it but I feel human again today and after having a few down days, I am master of my universe! Not a high…that is different…just a feeling good and I am quite satisfied with that. The trick is not to try to run a marathon today and knock myself back on my ass. I will slowly get at the things I wanted done, take breaks and then be able to do more tomorrow. Once I get knocked down it is a recovery and that does not happen immediately over night so I do not put too many demands on myself because that just leads to more frustration with myself. I will be back ruling the world soon…but in my own time.
There is no on/off switch…on:happy off:sad….on:manic off:depressed. I wish I had something to flick. It just happens sometimes without cause. I do not have to have something terrible to happen in my life to wake up and get get hit with that sinking feeling of depression…sometimes I can be cooking dinner and I can feel the beginning of the fall. I am one of those “high functioning” sufferers which just means I am a pro at hiding it. I can go to work and be everyone’s friend and laugh over coffee break but be cracking in two on the inside. I am no different I do not suffer less. Sometimes it can be hard on the weekends because I am exhausted from acting “fine.” I have bipolar disorder and general anxiety disorder…I am most often not fine. Don’t get me wrong there are lots of good days, but the hard ones are exhausting. I just keep my eyes ahead for the better days and I always remind myself…I am doing the best I can.