Lord Let Me Keep My Mind

Last night out of nowhere…the enemy attacks…anxiety. People think anxiety can be summed up by saying people with anxiety just worry a lot. It is so much more than that!I talked before about obsessive thoughts and they can completely consume a person. It can be what is on my mind every minute that my brain can sneek in the thought. I used to get so lost in my worries that life around me stopped because I had no attention for it. Over and over I would play out my scenario. And trying to find rhyme or reason can be futile.

There was a huge snow storm last week and my husband had to drive home in it. I knew to prepare so I took one of my anxiety medications but they are not magic. Time was passing and I had visions of him in the ditch, low on gas (even though he had filled up a few days before) and beginning to freeze. It was snowing hard so who knew how long it would be before they found him. I wondered if I should start calling the police station, or emergency. I shook, I paced and boy did I pray. By the time he did finally arrive which was about an hour later (as opposed to 20 mins), I had to go to bed because once the relief took over, I was exhausted, as if every ounce of energy had been drained from me.

We also live in fear, that is usually hidden. Fear of crowds, fear of rejection even fear of success. I am always worried I am going to do something wrong. My mouth is usually my enemy, it never waits for my brain to kick in before it goes into action. Then the regret and the self-condemnation that I screwed up again. Then when others are excited about attending a party…I live in terror, trying to act like I am soooo looking forward to it. What will I do? What will I say? What will my damn anxiety do? I however am fortunate and now have the perfect scapegoat. I am in menopause, so I complain about a hot flash and can escape outside where I can at least breathe and collect my thoughts…sometimes that takes longer than others but I always need to have a break at some point. I replenish my coping mechanisms and rejoin the party. People do not realize that we are extremely talented actors and actresses! Hollywood should check us out!

In the end, it is part of who I am and I have just learned ways to get through as best as I can….sometimes easier than others. Sometimes I have to say “no” because I know that is the best thing for my mental health…and that is ok. I do not push my boundaries if I have a choice because the only one who truly knows how to take care of me…is me

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