It has been awhile. I was hired for a contract job and I was working 12 hr shifts. One of the biggest issues I struggle with each day is lack of energy…so how was I able to keep up with those hours…faith and determination. I won’t lie once I stopped I only existed and slept for 3 days…my body went into recovery mode. Whenever I manage to do something that defies my usual abilities, I can always be sure God was behind it. Living with mental illness is a challenge every day and to be honest, I do not know how people do it without faith…trust. When my anxiety is so bad I feel like I am going to die, a small voice inside of me reminds me that I won’t. When the darkness comes, he may not take it away, but I know I am not facing it alone and that can make all the difference. Even on the bad days I make a point of finding one thing to be grateful for. It might only be that I had enough energy to get to the washroom so I did not pee the bed…but it is something.
If we look at our day as a whole, it can seem all bad. Having to scour every hour to try to find something to be grateful for can change our outlook on the day. Really make the effort to dig through your day t find something. There are evenings when all I have is to thank Him that I got through it. Faith is knowing that whether the next day brings back my light or not, I will be ok and no matter how bad it is…it will end. Pain may never go away but it does get easier.
Don’t think God just makes my bipolar a cake walk, there are days when I fall to my knees with nothing but anger. The good part is that He is pretty tough and He can take it and He will ALWAYS forgive our actions, all we have to do is ask. I think that was the most difficult aspect of developing a personal relationship with God…forgiveness. All the mistakes and pain I caused, how could I be forgiven? It took me years to finally accept that all was cool with Him. The real trick then becomes learning to forgive ourselves and that takes some serious work and prayer…at least it did for me.
My faith is my glue. I am not an expert of the bible and remembering scripture is just not going to happen, the best I can do is give you a summary. What I do have is that God is my best friend. I talk to Him all the time and I always go to Him when there is a decision to be made. I go to Him in the good and the bad and sometimes I hold on to Him so tight, I wonder if He can breathe. Never has He let me go, even when I had no idea He was there. There may not be a miracle, things may not get all better when you turn to God, but He will give you strength to survive and sometimes that is all I can do. Many times, He is all I have, but those are the times when I know He is all I need.